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|Wednesday, November 7th, 2007|
b ba back in the day... i am going to start writing on this again. It will be brilliant, i feel like i m in high school how lovely.
However, now i am going to be normal.
|Monday, February 7th, 2005|
of course when i go back to NYC this past weekend, all i can do is sleep. The entire time, i was practically in a complete state of exhaustion. The second i come back to school, i cant sleep a wink the entire night. I had a good time in BK though, good to be home.
I cant muster the engery to do anything productive, even though i have to hand a history paper in. Smart of me. Genious even. I just dont have the motivation that i need to jumpstart my schoolwork. My apartment looks like a bomb hit it, my roommates never clean and i am way too lazy. I could sit on my couch for hours and watch Sopranos DVDs.
i have class in 45 minutes, ugh
|Monday, January 24th, 2005|
Only I get bronchitis twice in one month, "you have to quit smoking...blahblahblah" Damne doctors. I feel like absolute shit, well thats a lie, i feel better now that i have some drugs in me. The doctor this morning told me that due to the steriods she put me on, that my sexual appetite is going to increase, just what i need, an increase in the good old sexual appetite.
The weather sucks, its so cold and snowy, the only thing keeping me going is knowing that in a little more than a month, i will be chillen in Guatemala on Lago de Atitlan with Eve and the boys. I have never flown by my lonesome, i am a little nervous. When we went to Europe, we flew alone ( sans parents) however, i had two other people with me. Either way, we are going for 8 days during spring break. I am so fuckin stoked, i miss Mau so much. Chicken, the shaggster, good old Mario. It should be killer, its the only thing that keep me going here in Toon town. I read an entire book on Gautemala, its unlike any other place i have ever been. Damne i lead a rich fuckin life, with bronchitis i might add.
NO less, i am flying outta Pittsburgh, i have also never been there! Two birds with one stone baby. Doesnt get much sweeter than that.
I am doing pretty well all in all. School is good, mental health is good (always important) friends are fantastic. Life is Dandy.
The best revenge is living well....
|Monday, November 15th, 2004|
where to even begin? Its been a while, yet there is nothing to say really.
Nov 2, why not? Bush won the election. Its been three weeks and i havent even fully processed the whole thing. what a fuckin heartache that was.Our country is really fucked up, its unbelievable that he won to me.There is NO explaination...ugh, i dont even wanna think about it. Its makes me a little worried. ALl these damne republicans, I have barely gone out in the past three weeks. I havent seen any of the people i normally chill with here.
I have began to branch outt kinda..met another cool kid.
hes a sexy guitar playin, artist type, pothead.....i wont get ahead of myself.
I am looking foward to goin back to NYC so badly. I hate PA. Take my advice never go West or SOUTH of Philly. I cant wait to go home for a couple days. I wish finals were next week and i could go home for a month.
I quit smoking!!!haha, probabaly not for good, but its a fuckin start. I have absolutely no concentration here. I cant write...
Phil- if you do ever read this, just thought i would let you know,i miss you dude...i finally got your number and figured we would meet up over X mas break? let me know babe...
|Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004|
i feel like so much has change in me. I find myself to be way more comfortable here, at this period in my life then i have ever felt before. College has been so bizzare. I dont know what the fuck i am talking about i am stoned and rambling..
College has been a fuckin trip and a half, in a good way but also in a bad way. Heres the good...
I have met a handful of goodhearted people, who are real fun to party with and i can somewhat relate to on things. I am loving my living situation. I love that i have my own place and room and i can do what i please. I missed the independence. I met a really really cool guy who is alot like me and we get along real well. I like who i am here.
NOW....heres the bad...
The people out here are such MORONS. Everyone really plays up my intelligence to a point where it really shouldmt be at. I dont know whether or not, i may actually be smarter than i think i am OR these people are really stupid. I think it might be the latter. There are people who think i am weird because i dont eat fast food or watch TV. That scares me. I feel really out of my element, like the people here have just never seen the kind of shit i have and theres no way they could relate and thats no one fault. Yet it still makes me feel like an outsider.I do just miss home in general. I miss the city alot still.
I dont know, right now i feel like shit,someone gave me a cold. So i am staying in for the night...i am boredd as shit.....hhaa
|Thursday, September 2nd, 2004|
I have finally began to actually settle into college which is nice to say. Got here a little under a week ago and seriously feels like home. I love my apartment. Living on my own is extremely sweet. I love the freedom and the independence i feel like i own.
I miss new york alot thou. The town that i am in is extremely conservative and almost everyone i knew in NY was so liberal and we all had the same opinion about bush and that he needed to get the fuck out of office before even worst shit happened. ALot of the people here are very close minded and ignorant of alot of things. They say fag and nigger as if it just rolls off their tongue. I have had to leave people apartments becuase i cant deal with the ignorance people PUSH at me. I miss the rush of the city, i like walking fast and doing everything at a fast pace. Its very slow here. BUTT get this, theres no Democratic Student union...SO I STARTED ONE! haha. Isnt that awesome? i am the president. hahah
i found a group of people who are really cool though. ALot of them went to the same high school outside of philly so they are a little more cultured than some of the rednecks here. Theres alot of really good looking guys. They all have this american pie type of look to them that i like. I am not thinking about anyone really specificallly yet becuase i want to keep my options open. I dont wanna hook up with anyone until at least november becuase that way, people wont view me as a whore and i think i will get a little more respect than someone who hooks up with all these random guys. I still havent really met a bunch of people from my classes. ALot of the school is divide up by who lives in the apartment complex and who lives in the dorms. But i am really happy living up here. I like having my own space and eating like i want all the time. Its very nice.
i also really like my classes. I dislike my math class ut its something that i feel like i am going to try rally hard at it and do my best and if i do my very best then i wont feel bad about it if i get a b. I cnt get below a B. But i want an A. I really really want to get straight A's in all my classes. I still havent gone to my english class becuase its tonight at 7 but i think that it should be relatively easy to do well in becuase its a very basic english class. Marxy bear was prolly harder than this shit. I know i am going to do very well. I feel very geared towards doing well. I am going to go study again now.
peace out. i miss everyone. Hope all is well!!
|Saturday, July 31st, 2004|
I cant quite capture what it is exactly that i am feeling now. I came home from europe two nights ago and i already knew that itwas going to be very difficult to adjust back to New york. When we were in europe, there was no one to tell us what to do or when to sleep or eat or bathe or anything. We were completely independent from the things we were used to. It was heaven. I felt as if i could handle myself and deal with what came at me. It was such a liberating feeling. WE survived backpacking thru europe as 18 year olds straight out of high school, i dont think alot of people could have done it. We barely fought, out of three weeks maybe we fought 2 or 3 times. Everything that we saw, everything we touched, everything we encountered there was a completely new experience. It was three weeks of non stop learning about different cultures and foods and language andhow people viewed our country. The first morning i woke up in new york, all i could do was PRAY that i was back im amsterdam and bart would come through the door with a joint rolled in the shape of a cone and tell me i wouldnt have to go back to NYC.
Now that you know my opinion of definately not wanting to come back, the second we dropp off eve, my parents tell me that my father was asked to give his resignation at work. How i am supposed to respond to that? Trying my hardest to adjust back to this crappy world where my parents are telling me what to do and when to eatand sleep, now my dad doesnt have a job. The only thing i wanted when i came home was to relax for a couple days and start to plan for college. I cant do that because my father is home going on interviews. Its seems like such a jaded world. Why. Why did this have to happened three weeks before i go to college? I am so damne selfish but i just hate the situation that i am in. I am trying to be really supportive of my father but its hard becuase everyone in my household seems so stressed out. I want to leave for college so that i can be on my own and work at my pace and be independent again. I dont love New York anymore...i miss bart and mo and rio and matt and shaggy and mario and CHICKEN. i miss it all..
|Tuesday, June 15th, 2004|
| and there she blows
well, it is over, fr the last time i saw some of the people in my school. It like you know they ar going to die, you will never see them again ever. For some of the people in my school,s thats a damne blessing. BUt for other its just kinda sad. I want to make it a point to stay in touch with a couple people. People i wouldnt even really suspect. I really wanna keep in touch with the guys on the baseball team. ONce i come home from college, i really wanna see a couple of their games. Most definately. I really like Naji, Jon and James.
So we did the whole yearbook thing today, it was cool, i thik you can really tell alot from the things people write in your yearbook. A couple people said i was a bitch in a nice way. A couple people wrote really really nice things. I really like what Phil and Allan wrote in my yearbooks. Its weird. I am not going t miss the building at all, or the admisistration. I wont miss the disgusting bathrooms or the way no one moves in the halls. I wont miss the rudeness and ruthlessness of alot of the students. But I will miss, Mr Collettti and tearing apart his lunch and commenting on Osipovas clothes and every part of mr Butler and Mr shaw. I will miss sitting in career center after a long weekend ad sharing drunken stories.
I will miss seeing jenny and eve on a regular basis. I mean thats the last time we will ever be in a schoool situation together aagain. I dont have them to fall back on anymore when i am stressed about work, or guys or family or anything.I get scared about that, i miss jenny and eve when theres a long break. Itsgoing to be weird to really be apart from eachother. everything that is happening is so new to me. I am going to europe and then off to college. These are things i have never tackled. I am a little bit worried. But i am not going to let my worried booty can in the way of my fun.
There anotherthings i will miss about HSES. I will miss seeing some faces and the jazz choir crew.I;ll miss defalco and marxy. Its been a real trip these last three years. But i am glad its over.
|Saturday, June 12th, 2004|
Its all coming to an end..>>HIGH SCHOOL THAT IS>
couldnt be happier. It seems to all be goiNG SMOOTH from here on out which is cool. Its weird thou, i have thought about graduating from high school for what seems like forever now and it all seems so surreal. I am not upset nor sad becuase i feel the connnection that i have made are ones that will last until either party feels like it shouldnt any longer.
Theres alot of good things coming up starting with tomorrow. Rock climbing! yay!! Its all coming together. Prom, Graduation, Europe. Those are the only things that kept me going for the past couple of months and they are so close i can smell em. Its a good feeling to work for something and have it finally be in front of your nose. The rest is really cake, all i have to do now is show up to school occasionally,enough to make sure i pass my classes which i have strong faith that i will achieve and the rest will be history.
i am so fuckin stoked for Europe. I've been looking over some of the details and i mean, damne. In less than two months i will be in Paris!! PARIS.ah
|Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004|
ahh, its so nice out. I love having all my windows open and feeling the fresh breeze.
Got home from maryland last night. It was alot of fun. The night without drugs and alcohol was somewhat refreshing. Those guys are alot of fun becuase everyone has so much energy and they dance and sing all loud and shit. We walked on the boardwalk and rode rollercaosters, it was cool.
So its now may 2 and i am finally in much better spirits. The weather makes such a huge difference. Everything is pretty good. Once APs are over for jenny and eve, i think they will be a little bit less stressed out. The next couple of months should be a breeze b/c we really dont have all that much school. We really only have like four weeks left becuz i doubt anyone is going to go to school in June. Los of smoking pot in Central park and sunbathing.
Is so true that time flies. I can so vividly remember walking into High school the first day of school and thinking "holy shit, four years is so long" Four year flew by and now its almost summer and college. I am really excited for this summer. it should be full of good times.
i wanna lost some more weigh before prom. I wanna get down to like 125 at the highest. Its just 8 pounds and im sure i can do it. ok im done noww..
|Wednesday, May 26th, 2004|
Smoking pot on the National Mall of our nations capitol but seem like a bad idea to some poeple, but me and jenny decided it would be cool. We sparked up at D.C. right near the George Washington Monument. The march is just insane, i mean life altreing.
To be surrounded by people who share the same views on a topic that i hold so close to me was so impowering. We screamed and we chanted and it was unbelievable. The whole day was really insane. I feel like i got some really good picture hopefully they come out good. I got so much coolshit there too, anti bush shirts and pins and stuff.
The most interesing part of the march was the Pro-Life people. I was rasied in a house to hate people who were Pro-Life, that they were trying to take away the most important thing in my life and that "we" couldnt let that happen. My mom always worked in OB-GYN and made it clear that ABortions were here to stay. I always understood that. BUt i never understood to a full extent what the world would be like if abortions didnt exsist. Women who had unwanted children could not live their lives and some men didnt have to deal with it. I mean the reality of it is that some men fuckin bail. Women who completely plumit on the economic scale. Now with that in mind, i dont understand how people could want to take that right away from me. I do not get it. Peope were holding signs on their CHILDREN saying "she has the right to live". Of course she does, she is a born child. That was your decision. Dont make my decision for me. People holding up posters, i regret my abortion, well millions of women dont regret theirs! I loved screaming at these people. I mean like i really got alot of bottled up angry out. "my body, my choice" Beautiful.
|Sunday, May 16th, 2004|
This horrible headahce just went away thank god. I should really be sleeping right now but for some reason i feel the need to be here. Today was fun, me remy and jenny smoked in the park, me and sherman walked down town, then i got this horrible mindpoudning headache.
I hope more days like today happen where more people are chillen in the park gettin stoned, hopeful playing some music. Its really the final stretch. I hope its at least half way decent.
Phil, i would like to see more of you, somehow. I would like to get stoned and chill in CP one night if your cool with that. Let me knoww......
|Friday, May 14th, 2004|
I feel so fuckin sick. I just got home from school, today being the first day back to school after a horrible spring break. Its fuckin disgusting out and my head is killing me. I am going to take something for this becuase i can barely think.
Theres nothing new and exciting going on ne more. I feel like such a waste of a human exsistence. The more days that pass the more i lose hope. It seems that nothing happy and good is going to happen for a while. Yea theres Europe and im sure we wil have fun but i hate talking everything up like i always do and make things seem better than they actually wind up being. I dont want to do that with europe at all. Also theres graduation, i cantwait to get outta that building and never have to step fooot in it again if i dont want to. That seems really far away thou. Too far to think about...
Here comes the hypocrite marelli as well, i am thinking about not going to prom. Im sure ill wind up going but im pretty sure its not going to be the greatest of times. I mean is there really a point of buying a new dress and spending 125 dollars on a ticket and gettn drunk and walking around seeing all these people who dont like me. Yes thats my new kick. NO one likes me. haha. I mean i guess there are a couple people who like me, but there really arent all that many. I cant want to start over which is why i am really looking foward to college. A fresh new start. BUt yeah back to prom, i am really not all that sure i want to go ne more.
I feel like i havent gone out in a really long time which is making me even less excited about going out. I feel like theres no point to anything ne more. I dont want to spend all my time alone and thats how i have been feeling very very very alone. NO one seems to care. I tryed talking to my mom about how i feel really alone and she basically yelled at me. Thanks mama.Everyone is coupled up even if it is guy on guy or two girls and i am the loser who is out of the clan. I am really just so frustrated with it all that i have no desire to try ne more. I have never truly wanted to stop trying but i never get anything back in return and i have tryed to tell my friends this and everything seems to be exactly the same. Maybe i am calling for too much attention which is totally possible. I dont know. All i do know is that i feel extremely sad.
|Saturday, May 8th, 2004|
|lost in Spring Break
ok so fuck my last entry. I refuse to have a shitty spring break even if i am chillen with myself the whole time, i intend to keep myself as busy as possible. I think i am going to go into the city early, take some money outtathe bank and go thrift store shopping. Go thru most of downtown. Bring my camera, i really dont take advantage of having a photo lab in our school.
Jennys, boyfriendish-type-man is FUCKIN ADORABLE. its PerfecT.
|Friday, May 7th, 2004|
|fuck the world
this is so goddamne frustrating. I thought i was going to have at least a decent spring break and well as it always turns out to be a fuckin negative. Jenny is going to Vermont to see David and she wont be back until monday and Eve has basicallly gone into hidding,throwing herself under shit loads of work because now she has to keep her grades up until june. I hate having any type of expectation becuase no one matter it is, its probably wont live up. This was a problem in the begining of the year, where i sit home alone with my fuckin thumb up my ass becuase i dont have enough friends. Two people are not enough. I need people that i can just hang with on a normal day. i cant wait to go to college and start new.
There arent even people i want to chill with, i saw Candy and Alexis yesterday and we had fun and i will prolly chill with aaron another night but it sucks that i am constantly fuckin alone. I hate being alone all the fuckin time. I feel like i have all the time in the fuckin world and no one to spend it with. i feel so damne pathetic.Shit i mean, the next seven days and night doing jack shitt and because i dont have friends, I hate that i moved. this fuckin blows, i dont even wanna go out ne more.
|Wednesday, May 5th, 2004|
this is going to be such a ho hum week. Eve has so much to do becuase of Upenn and jenny was basically been away like every day. This sucks. I am so not "living it up senior year" I hate it. I was updating jenny and Eves books and I feel like theres just not going to be enough stuff to put in the books. I am going to try to get play tickets for one night coming up. Plan some cool shit to do for when it gets warmer out. It was decent out today. I got my tickets for europe,went down to the DMV, hell.
Im so bored. ugh.
|, , |
I dont even know how to describe this week. I feel like everyone is really strssed out around me and its making me really stressed out. I was worried about my grades which luckily werent half as bad as i thought they were going to be.I also got my report card from the school therefore my parents are never going to see it which is even beter. Jenny is freaking out about what school to choose and eve hasnt heard from most of her schools and she is really anxious about that. but i mean, i feel like theres alot to be happy about, even though it was crappy out today, its been gettin nicer. April showers bring may flowers!
Physically i have been feeling like shit. My kidneys hurt and i get these really sharp pains throughtout my torso and its kinda freakin me out so i am going to go to the doctor this week becuase i dont have school. I also have to go pick up my tickets for europe. Ah, yes i am stresssed out i feel like theres so much to do. I dont even really know why i am bitching. i sound too pathetic so i am going to stop writing.
|Tuesday, April 27th, 2004|
|do you know how lucky we are!
i've been feeling really positive lately. Trying to grab a hold of whats here and treasuring it. I've been extremely high all weekend. Smoked thurs night, twice friday morning, twice friday night and now saturday morning im definately a little bit burnt. Its been a good weekend and its really just starting.
So i figured out that i am going to penn state, haha because well thats my only option. But oh well i really dont mind, penn state was my second choice school anywho. SO i am gettin ready for that i guess. I am starting to think about all the shit i wanna/need to do. I cantwait to go shopping for college. Figuring out my plans for that is exciting.
Mentally and physically i feel healthy. I was a little bit stressed out earlier and broke out with the most painful shit on my back. I read this article that changed my life. I sound like such a crazy person sometimes but i really feel like this article changed my life. Its was about this woman who preposed the question " if i put all my energy towards something that i could be proud of,instead of counting calories and grams of fat, i could have done something that i was seriously proud of." Theres is no case bigger than me where thats true. I got al wrapped up in the whole thing and put so much engery into it that i stopped living. I am soo glad glad glad its over. I am going to seriously put my best foot foward gettin better now. I know i dont want to live this way where i am worried and so self hating. I figure i would work on self tolerance before self acceptance. Its going well. I've been feeelin postive the past couple of days which is good.
The weather is getting nicer now which is really sweet. Last night i walked eve to the cab place and it was totally bareable to be outside again. The city becomes this whole other place when you can walk in it. Ah. everything is sooo good. I am going to college, the spring is slowly creeping up, theres really only posotive things happening around me. Its pleasant to actually feel happy again.Sherman is so happy becuase of this guy and shes like glowing its wonderful. Eve is happy with yassin. Everyone around me has been in high spirits. Haha which reminds me of the one bad thing that happen. Mr G is gone. How sadd...he got swooped up it sucks, but im glad i didnt step on any toes before it happened so theres really no depressing news but its sucks that theres no more dreaming.
I am going dress shopping today whcih i am happy about. I gotta run down to the bank and pick up some cash for dresses and maybe some stuff for europe. Eeeek,life is so good.
Have a fabulous day.
|Sunday, April 18th, 2004|
so i am back in new York, happy to be home, not thrilled about the weather thou. It sucked to come back from 84 dgrees and have there be snow on the ground. I was really hoping that there would be spring when i came home. I guess my luck was slightly off.
Things are doing pretty well. I am seeing a good old friend of mine that i havent seen in a really long time this weekend which i am really happy about. I cant wait to meet her boyfriend and catch up with her. She is agood gal. I am waiting to hear from the restof my colleges, i am kinda of worried becuase of it but i guess theres nothing i can do but wait. I really hopei get into Northeastern and cortland and unvi. of delaware. I am gettin anxious.
So everything is finally moving along thou. I have a good feeling that the rest of the year is going to pan out nicely. There are really only good things to come. Theres alot to plan out and theres alot of fun stuff to do.
I miss my girls thou. Mine and jenny schedules are really fucked up for the next couple of weeks so thats a toally bummer but i will hopefully see her in school and that will ease the pain a little bit. Me and eve have the next couple of weekends so thats nice.
Joey is good, im hapy with that. I saw him arrest someone today which was fun and interesting. Welli have shitloads of work to do which i should probably get back to.
|Thursday, April 15th, 2004|
| St Martin is awesomeee
oddly enough i am sitting here in St Martin and all i wanna do is check my fucking e mail,im such a disgrace. Nah im playing. I was atthe beach all day and it started to drizzlea bit so i figured i would write a lil sumthing sumthing and then eat some dinner. Life in ST Martin isnthalf bad. All i have been doing is siting in the sun and drinking far too many cranberry and vodka for my own good but let me say thati am havin a fabuluous fuckin time. My parents and brother are the greatest people in the world.
Heres the thing, when i wentto mexico this summer, when i got back to NYC i was beyond happy. I cried when i saw the skyline i was soo happy to be back and i cant even describe how much i miss the city. I love that city so much. Im a lil nervous about college, i mean moving away for good. God and Jenny and Eve i miss them so much, fuck i've been away for like four days. I really am pathetic. I wish i coulda brought everyone down with me. it so beautiful here. NO less, i've been naked half the time,nude beaches are fuckin niftyas hell. Mind you that most of those people on the beaches are old saggy and very very naked. But its peaceful to not have to worry about suckin in or how big yours boobs are because simply it doesnt matter.
I met this guy shawn whom i am seeing tomorrow night. We have a date. Hehe. I think i amm going to have sex with himm on the beach. Just to have that experience. He is fuckin hot as hell too. For some reason i feel like i am not coming home. Thati am wirting this to all ofyou from a very far away land andthati wont see you for a very long time. I am weird I really wish everyone could be here with me.
My ears are burnt, im horny as hell and hoepfully tomorrrow night i will be gettin some hot St Martin sex on the beach with a guy named shawn from boston,
Over and out.